An audition of sorts

spr should be well known to all of you by now. His exuberant posts on the message board have sparked much reaction. One of the services spr has offered is writing action scenes. So I asked him to write an action scene and I'd post it and give some notes. Here it is:

Johnny raced back to town to see it up in flames. Johnny looks around him and sees two boys trapped in their Second floor apartment. Johnny leaps into the air and through the window.

The two boys are very scared, Johnny runs into the bathroom

and takes two towels and pours water on the towels. He comes

out and puts the wet towels on the boys to protect them. Johnny

grabs the one boy and tells the other he’ll be back for him. Johnny

takes two running steps before jumping out the window again.

Johnny and the boy land safely on the ground, Johnny goes and

puts the boy down. He tells the boy he’s going to get his friend,

as Johnny turns to jump the whole building explodes into flames.

Johnny super speed into the blazing inferno sometimes moving

faster than the flames themselves. Johnny gets to the Second floor

and kicks in the apartment door. Johnny looks but doesn’t see the boy, then when all hope seemed lost Johnny hears a cry. Johnny

hears the crying coming from the closet, Johnny races over to

find the boy safe and unharmed. All of a sudden the roof decides

to cave-in, Johnny grabs the boy and super speeds out of there

before they get caught. Johnny and the boy get out of the building

just in the nick of time. The boys are thankful for what Johnny did.

They give him a hug and as they turn around their mom’s there.

They give the mom a hug and tell their mom about the man who

saved them. The mom says “what man,” the boys look back and

Johnny’s gone without a trace. Johnny races around the town

looking to help more people. He comes across a building on fire,

with people trapped in it. Johnny realizes he can’t pull them all

out in time, Johnny looks around and sees a fire hydrant nearby.

Johnny puts his hands on the top of the fire hydrant and twist the

top right off with his superhuman strength. Water gushes out of the

hydrant as Johnny turns the hydrant towards the blazing inferno.

Within minutes the flames starts to die out, the fire department show up to help people out of the building and to burn out the

rest of the fire. Johnny hears someone across town yelling for help.

A couple of robbers have just stolen money from a bank, the robbers burn rubber as they race off. As the robbers get to a intersection, the car stops. The robbers don’t know what happened,

They look at the window to see a man hold the car over his head.

Johnny puts the car down and takes the keys, money, and guns

from the two thieves. Johnny walks over to a lady, hands her the stuff and tells her to call the police. The lady looks back to see

the man has vanished into thin air. Johnny races unto the tallest

building in the town, and looks out at a city that needs a hero

to help protect it. Johnny realizes with his powers he could be

the savior this town needs.

The End

Yes, it's all one paragraph. That was the first issue I had with it. I never specified script format or prose so prose is fine. Now lets get into some specifics.

Johnny raced back to town to see it up in flames. Johnny looks around him and sees two boys trapped in their Second floor apartment. Johnny leaps into the air and through the window.

You start in past tense then shift to present tense in the first two lines. You do this throughout. Pick a tense, present is best, and stick with it. Now again, I was looking for action here so I'll forgive the lack of descriptions of the town, the flames and Johnny himself. But that leap is the point where we establish Johnny has superhuman powers. The lack of description there is a problem. We need more detail. It needs to read as exciting.

He tells the boy he’s going to get his friend,

as Johnny turns to jump the whole building explodes into flames.

Johnny super speed into the blazing inferno sometimes moving

faster than the flames themselves.

Again, short on detail here. A few solid adjectives thrown in but still not enough. You also say the whole building explodes into flames yet Johnny finds the boy safe in a closet. That doesn't really make sense. It should be "speeds" not "speed". And I don't like that "sometimes." It makes what should be a strong sentence weak.

All of a sudden the roof decides

to cave-in

Decides? That's an odd bit of personification.

Johnny puts his hands on the top of the fire hydrant and twist the

top right off with his superhuman strength. Water gushes out of the

hydrant as Johnny turns the hydrant towards the blazing inferno.

Within minutes the flames starts to die out, the fire department show up to help people out of the building and to burn out the

rest of the fire.

Another display of new superpowers with little detail. What does it look like? What does it sound like? You don't need to say "right off" you can just say "off." If you have to add something "clear off" reads better than "right off". "Burn out" the rest of the fire? And as for believability? One hydrant putting out a huge fire? Hard to picture.

A couple of robbers have just stolen money from a bank, the robbers burn rubber as they race off. As the robbers get to a intersection, the car stops. The robbers don’t know what happened,

They look at the window to see a man hold the car over his head.

Johnny puts the car down and takes the keys, money, and guns

from the two thieves. Johnny walks over to a lady, hands her the stuff and tells her to call the police.

This is really rushed. More time could have been spent on it. You've given us very little in emotional reactions throughout. Now again, I asked for action so maybe you left that out. But action requires reaction to really work. Johnny just hands stolen money and guns to a random person on the street?!

With the criticism aside, this wasn't bad. spr packed a lot of action into a one and a half page piece. He can clearly conceive of action very well. But in terms of actually committing it to text I'd say he needs work. But for a first piece this is pretty solid. spr is working on some films. I'm more confident now that they will be worth reading.